How to find a good sex therapist
Finding a new therapist is hard for everyone, even therapists themselves. Where do you even start? After scrolling through endless websites and Psychology Today profiles, how do you know the difference between therapists?
Now throw in the curveball of finding a good sex therapist. How do you even find one? What is a sex therapist anyway?
People often get frustrated when finding a therapist. It can take weeks or even months, but a good search is well worth it.
Here, you’ll find a step-by-step guide to finding the right therapist for you, no matter your concerns. Let’s jump in.
General therapist credentials
At a minimum, your therapist should be licensed in the state where you receive therapy. For in-person therapy, that is the state where the therapist’s office is located. For virtual therapy, that is where you (not the therapist) are located when you are in virtual therapy. Many therapists have licenses in multiple states. If you’re not sure, just ask.
Licensed therapists have a minimum of a master’s degree, usually in social work, counseling, or marriage and family therapy. These folks often have credentials like LCSW, LPC, and LMFT. Clinical psychologists usually have PhDs; the common credential is PsyD. Note that every state varies, and these are only examples.
A therapy license is an essential qualification for practicing therapy. It doesn’t indicate specialty training or high-quality services; it is simply the legal minimum for practicing therapy in general.
Sex therapist credentials
A sex therapist is a licensed therapist who has received additional training in sex therapy and calls themself a sex therapist. You do not need a separate license to be a sex therapist.
Any therapist can call themself a sex therapist (except in the state of Florida, which has rules around using the title of sex therapist).
That’s why it's important to look at a therapist’s training and certifications. For sex therapy, one of the most common certifications is the CST (certified sex therapist) from AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, and Therapists). This credential involves several years of study and practice to become certified. Many, but not all, sex therapists have a CST.
In addition to certification, there are plenty of training opportunities for therapists learning about sexuality. From conferences to webinars, there are ample opportunities. Many therapists will get very specific training in a particular area of sex therapy. Our therapists specialize in a variety of sexuality and relationship concerns (such as couples therapy, kink-affirming therapy, or sexual trauma).
Things to look for when searching for a sex therapist
When searching for a therapist, there are two things to look for:
Someone who can help you with your therapy concerns specifically
Someone who can meet your practical needs
When finding a good fit, consider why you are going to therapy. Is it to talk about sexual functioning (such as difficulty with orgasms, pain during sex, erection difficulties)? Is it to explore your own feelings about sex (such as low desire or discomfort about sex)? Look for a therapist with experience or training in your concerns. Many of our therapists are trained in specific sexuality concerns.
Decide upfront if you prefer a therapist with a specific identity or lived experience. Is it necessary for you that your therapist is BIPOC or LGBTQ? If so, is this a nice-to-have or a need-to-have? Is it essential that your therapist also be a parent, or in recovery from substance abuse? Or is it enough that they affirm and understand these experiences, even if they don’t share them?
Lastly, identify your logistical needs upfront, to save time and energy later. Consider:
Do you need in-person or virtual therapy?
Do you need appointments on the weekend, or are you flexible?
Do you need someone who takes insurance or offers a sliding scale? Do you need someone who can start immediately, or can you wait?
Thinking ahead about the practical side will save a lot of time.
The Four Steps to Finding A Sex Therapist
Now that you know what you are looking for, here’s a step-by-step guide.
Step 1: Profile search
There are several places to find therapists online, such as Google search or Psychology Today. If you are looking for a particular type of therapy, you can often find referral directories specifically for therapists with that expertise. This includes the Gottman Referral Network, the AASECT directory of certified sex therapists, the EFT directory, and the Poly Friendly Therapists directory. The best information is usually found on the therapist’s website, so you can use directories to find those websites.
When you’re looking at profiles, do a solid vibe check. Does this person look like they understand what you want to talk about? In addition, skim the profiles for the things on your wish list - actually look for keywords that you identified above (you may want to keep a checklist handy). Narrow your search to 3-5 therapists, and reach out to them individually.
Step 2: Initial outreach to potential therapists
In your initial email to a possible therapist, be sure to include:
The specific reasons you are seeking therapy. Aim for 3-5 sentences about this. If it’s too short, the therapist won’t understand why you contacted them. If it’s too long, it’s unnecessary information.
State upfront any logistical concerns and whether they are preferences or requirements. Be as specific as possible. Instead of asking, “Do you have any evenings?” try “Due to my work schedule, I must be in-person at the office until 4 p.m. every day. I’m looking for virtual appointments after 4:30 p.m. Monday through Wednesday, but I could also come in-person at those times.”
Your specific request for next steps. For example, “If you have any openings, are you available for an introductory call? I can be reached by email/by phone. If you are full, please add me to your waitlist.”
Step 3: The intro calls (aka interviewing therapists)
Aim for intro calls (phone or video) with 2-3 therapists. Right before the call, review their website. Come prepared to the calls with your questions. Some things you can ask:
How often do you see people like me / in my situation?
Do you offer sex therapy in particular?
Do you have any training or experience with _____?
How do you approach talking about ______?
(For couples) Do you have any specific specialty training in couples therapy? How often do you see couples?
On the call, do a gut check. It is very important that you feel like it’s a good fit. The intro call is not to check the boxes (that’s what the profile search is for in Step 1). It’s about finding the right fit for you. Ask yourself:
Do I feel comfortable talking to them?
Am I genuinely interested in working with them on my concerns?
Are they knowledgeable about _____?
Studies consistently show that the relationship between the therapist and client (what we call “therapeutic alliance”) has a real impact on the outcome of therapy. A good therapist is not just someone who has letters behind their name. It is someone who you feel comfortable talking to. This allows your therapy to go further, faster.
At the end of the call, ask to set up a first appointment if you feel like it’s a good match. This is a good option if you are sure, so that you can get started right away.
If you’d like to talk to the other therapists first, that’s okay. Simply say, “I’m meeting with several therapists to see who is the best fit, and I will get back to you by next week.” Any good therapist will expect this, and even encourage it. It’s common to shop around for a therapist.
Step 4: The first few sessions
The last step is confirming your choice. Within 1-3 sessions with your new therapist, you should be able to verify that this is a good match. If you aren’t sure, bring up your concerns during the session. Ending therapy at this stage (or any stage) is okay. Simply say you’re not a good fit and want to try another approach.
Next steps
After you find a good match, check in every once in a while to see if they still fit your needs. It’s common for people to have multiple therapists over the course of their lives for different reasons. Take note of what you like and don’t like about working with them to inform your next search.
Here at the Center for Intimacy and Relationships, we specialize in therapy about human sexuality and relationships.
Click here to schedule a complimentary introductory video call.
